Wanted: Surrogate husband
Description: All the work, none of the perks. Man needed this Saturday for company and childminding at Whittamore's Farm. Pick up provided at 9:30 am and lunch as well. Must be able to watch 4 children while listening attentively to the conversation of 2 sleep deprived mommies. Possible trip to Vaughn Mills' Bass Pro store after wards. Stamina and cheery disposition mandatory. Will be paid in gratitude. Forward resume to this email address.
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Dear madam,
I am writing in regard to your advertisement for a surrogate husband. I would like to express my interest in such a role and briefly highlight a few of the myriad wonderful qualities within my possession that make me ideally suited to fill this position.
Firstly, in the history of my life, I have yet to lose a child. I attribute this success to skill rather than my considerable lack of experience. You see, part of my talent derives from the fact that I can really "hold my liquor", as demonstrated by my unmatched performance in a recent drinking competition. Now, many mothers feel rightfully concerned that those watching their children will have one too many beers and begin tossing their children around the room like footballs. However, I can assure you that 1) I will neither become that drunk, despite my best attempts, and 2) I prefer hockey to football.
Secondly, I have considerable experience in pretending to be engaged in conversations that I am paying little to no attention to whatsoever, whether it be concerning one's opinions on local government, the types of flowers one might be planting, or something equally uninteresting. As such, you can feel content to speak to your heart's content, never in fear of speaking into a deaf ear; I will pay just enough attention to make polite conversation, and smile blissfully while my mind wanders to my next vacation and to what that pretty woman across the way is doing later.
And, finally, though certainly not the last of my many winning attributes, I relate very well to children, largely due to my enormous lack of maturity. I find that this helps me fit in with my surroundings. By the end of the outing, you will wonder if there are five, rather than four children, running and screaming and howling in your ears, or asking you to show them to the bathroom, not least because I will assuredly be deep "into my cups" within about 2 hours of us setting out.
In summary, I feel that I am the ideal surrogate husband. And, let's be honest, who else would take the job? I notice that you state that you pay in "gratitude". What could be more gracious than cash? I agree, and hopefully you do too. Or I will steal your purse.
I look forward to working with you.
Your sincerely,
M. Pseudo-name
(The "P" is silent and the "e" is pronounced "eh")
