Reflections on Motherhood Part 1: The Dark Side

Controversial artist, Vanessa Beecroft.

A very interesting article called, "All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting" came to my attention that has caused me to do some serious reflection and introspection. The premise of the article is,

Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of disciplines.

"No!" was my immediate reaction to the whole idea. "Having children is a happy, wonderful, and natural thing that I have always wanted." My sentiments were supported in the article, saying that "(the findings) violate a parent’s deepest intuition." But to my horror and dismay, I began to realize that what it says is true. With great reluctance, I must admit that having children is not fun. The reality is that every facet of your life as you know it will change. Your body, relationships, friends, and lifestyle. And for what? Why do we have children anyway?

Historically, we had children to hunt and gather, tend the fields or mind the livestock. Children were an investment that would help secure your retirement and care. They would ensure your immortality through the passing of the family name or perhaps continue your legacy through a family business. But why do we have children in these modern times?

We hardly need more people. In fact, a friend stated that there worst thing you could do for the environment is to have a child. We do not need them for financial security and few people care about the passing on of names or the support or continuation of a business. I believe we have them because A. We are expected by society AND ourselves to have children. B. We believe children will make us happier.

Am I happier? I once convinced myself that I'm not going to be THAT kind of Mom. I believed I was ahead of the game because I would exercise, maintain my interests and hobbies. Make time for my relationship with my husband and because we have good communication, we thought we were a perfect parenting team because we were on the same track in terms of discipline style and ideals. We weren't going to have THOSE problems everyone warns us of. Well, yes and no.

Though I have gone back to my pre-pregnancy weight, I have not gone back to my original shape. My feet are a little bigger and my skin is dimply. I'd like to believe that no mom, Hollywood moms included, emerges physically unscathed by the changes in pregnancy.

There's no time for hobbies. Serious arrangements have to be made to put aside the time needed to dedicate to things I once enjoyed. Laundry, cooking, household upkeep and childcare take up all the time in a day. What time is left, is dedicated to my new hobbies of stimulating my children through outings, and activities. Every facet of my life has changed. Even the simplest choices are affected from the food I make, the time we eat and sleep, to the kind of fabric I wear, and the timing of my life to fit my kids' nap schedule. I managed to do some painting a year back but the subject matter became cartoon sea life because I thought my kids might like it!

It's a lot of work and it doesn't end. There's no break from it, only mild lulls that usually results in a rush of more chores. Guilt, stress, and worry often plague many moms and for me, guilt is the worst. Even as I am writing this, I am thinking I should be spending more time with my son instead of this. I should be cleaning the toilets instead of wasting time. However, this is often a state of mind for a person such as myself who needs to have a number of accomplishments done at the end of each day in order to feel worthwhile. Call it a neurotic work ethic.

I'm not going to go into lengths about how important dad's are because that's obvious. I don't want to defend them apologetically because I know this part is controversial and will ignite passions. I'll just say that men and women are different and each couple is different. My personal perspective in my own relationship is that despite all our discussions prior to having children, my hubby and I are still at opposite ends when it comes to child rearing. We are tired and worn out and we are not at our best. What we have left over of ourselves at the end to the day is not enough to properly maintain a relationship at times. Sleep is the new sex, as many would say about parenthood. We don't have the patience for each other because it is spent on the children. There are times when I look over and wonder, "Who are you?" as the stress and tiredness changes us both. We look at each other and think we need to compensate for each others shortcomings which in turn, worsens the problem. For example, being more rigid vs. being more lax, frugal vs. generous, fast vs. slow. It spirals into a situation where both people are at odds.

So why did I have kids? I believe every person has kids for "selfish" reasons. I want someone to be there when I'm older to enjoy warm family occasions with. Someone to call on for company. To have connections with people that have a bond deeper than friendship. I do not expect them to take care of me in my old age. I am sentimental and I value traditions and holidays and the closeness a family can bring. That's all for me and that's why I say it's selfish. I could do the same by adopting and doing greater good at the same time, but again, I want my own flesh and blood first. Then, you give every ounce of yourself to this little person. So is parenting fun? Hell, no. It's hard, stressful, tiring, and at times, very unrewarding. Would I do it all again? Hell, yes.

(To be continued: Reflections on Motherhood Part 2)